WEAKLY WHIRLED NEWS

HAPPY FEET FOUND ALIVE AND WELL!

2011-09-14T22:51:00.001-07:00

Yeasterday was just the beginning of our lives....

2011-09-13T01:52:00.000-07:00

The New Zealand Government has moved swiftly to nationaliseall bars and pubs in the wake of the Rugby World Cup fiasco Friday which sawthousands of Auckland’s heartiest drinkers unable to get to venues on the waterfront.

Bar Manager Murray McCully says the takeover, made possibleby a Martial Law bill rushed through Parliament late one Sunday morning whenmost MPs were at church, was necessaryto protect New Zealand’s image as a nation of party animals. “We lead the world in alcohol consumption percapita, for males over 18 and girls between 11 and 15,” he said, “but unlessour young people can get easy access to bars and pubs, we’re going to fallbehind Russia, and possibly even Glasgow.”

McCully also outlined changes to public transport managementwithin Greater Auckland. “All buses andtrains will be placed under the control of Heineken World Domination Inc ,” hesaid, “partly because they have a better corporate colour scheme but mainlybecause the Government is already.”

Troy brews a bonk (8,2,4)

2011-09-02T14:26:00.000-07:00

There are two types of people in the world – those who are good at Sudoku and those who become totally irrational when they discover that 7 isn’t allowed to appear three times in a 9-number sequence from one to nine.
I prefer crosswords myself, especially cryptics. I read somewhere that doing the cryptic crossword was as good a way of preventing the onset of Alzheimer’s as dipping your testicles in a bucket of ice water on a daily basis. (Incidentally, that’s probably the only form of exercise that gets easier as one ages…)
Always one to have a bob each way, I’ve tried doing them both at the same time to make doubly sure but frankly concentration is an issue. So is shivering, not to mention sneezing. So I’ve decided to work it on a rotational system- 30 years of cryptics and then 30 years of the ice bucket, if I can remember.
How hard can Sudoku be, anyway? For a start there’s only 9 numbers, whereas there are 26 letters in the alphabet so the total number of combinations is much higher – you don’t have to be a mathematical genius to make broad statements like that.
Or this - cryptics are for people who read books, Sudoku for those who merely colour them in.

If you’re happy and you know it clap your flippers.

2011-08-30T21:41:00.000-07:00

There are many interesting facts about penguins. Well, facts at least. And some people find them interesting. They’d be people with some degree of intellect, possessed of enquiring minds and a nice collection of original New Zealand Art. In other words, not the sort of people who’d watch TVNZ’s 6.00pm collection of self-promotional items, National Party press releases and extended weather updates.

I interrupt this tirade with an update on Happy Feet – he’s now 17 nautical miles southwest of Stewart Island aboard HMNZS Taxpayer-funded Excesses, lying down on his bed of ice and looking like he’s asleep. I can tell he’s looking forward to his next meal of freshly mashed fishlike substance.

Now, where were we? Ah yes, the ersatz news… it used be that if you were interested in world, and indeed local, events the nightly news bulletin was appointment viewing. Not any more – watching TVNZ’s Network news to gain an insight into what’s going on is like reading Wikipedia to understand quantum physics, but without the spelling and grammatical errors. They’re careful about that sort of stuff on Wikipedia…

A further update on the penguin the nation’s taken to its heart – nicknamed Happy Feet. He’s just twitched his left eye – obviously he’s enjoying his trip towards Antarctica and is no doubting dreaming of his first dip in the ocean and meal of tasty krill. And, no doubt, his first girlfriend.

Not all the nation has taken this wretched bird, too stupid to find his way back to the ice-floe, to heart. Not all the nation is waiting with bated (or baited?) breath for details on his new bowel movement. No, some of the nation wants to find out what’s happening around the place, which nation’s economy will be the next to collapse and how many more crown heads of Europe are showing signs of centuries of inter-breeding. Tough... after all the updates on the hapless seabird and the heavy dew warnings for Ponsonby and the lengthy beer commercial masquerading as a footy tournament, there’s no time left for anything else…